Log in

No account? Create an account

Collision Course

Jan. 26th, 2012 | 07:15 pm

I'm looking for something different in my life but I'm not sure yet what that is. I think a part of it is quiet. I need to be able to think and I can't. I'm always around people. I have precious few moments when I can be alone. When I can be trying only to please myself instead of trying to figure out everyone else.
I think I need to start walking. Lately when I get angry I find myself leaving the apartment and choosing a direction and going. Not thinking about how far I'm going or how long I should be gone but just going until some of that anger and restlessness is out of me.
Today I walked when I wasn't angry, just for the sheer joy of enjoying the rain. The peace and well being I got out of it were wonderful.
Sadly they didn't last long, that destructive force got the best of me. I feel it a lot these days and I haven't figured out how to shake it loose. I find myself fighting over stupid things and not being able to start making amends when I want to.
I try to keep it to myself and deal with it. That never works. I try to talk it out and that seems to make things just as bad if not worse.
I used to be able to cope with things so much easier. I guess this is just another point in my life where I have to force myself to stop seeing things the way I do and figure out another way to see them.
I should start writing more regularly again. That was always a good way for me to let things out. And to figure things out.
Already I'm seeing things more clearly than I did a few minutes ago.
I want so much to just have some lasting peace. Not to control this anger but to be rid of it. Not for a minute or a day or a week. Forever. It leaves me feeling empty when it's gone. It infects so much of who I am. I am changed.

Link | Leave a comment {1} |

(no subject)

Jan. 17th, 2012 | 11:44 pm

I think I'm reaching a turning point with my job. By turning point I mean the point at which I turn and run from this place.
So many things have happened this year and I've held on as long as I can with the hope of seeing things get better. Unfortunately with every new change I see things staying the same or getting worse.
I continue to do so many jobs that are asked of me and then get passed up for promotions that directly relate to what I've been doing. I can't seem to get a decent raise. My last review was given to me a few weeks ago and I was marked mediocre in my job performance. Instead of judging me on my actual position and then giving me + points for doing extra, I was judged on the extra and marked - points for things that aren't in my job description.
It's time for me to move on in hopes of finding a place that will appreciate my abilities instead of abusing my willingness to work.
I keep telling myself that I can't be miserable forever. If I don't do something to change my situation I will be.
Things can get better if I take the right steps.

Link | Leave a comment {1} |

(no subject)

Dec. 6th, 2011 | 09:18 pm

Yesterday I took a "sick" day from work. I'm finding this year that I have to take what I need when I need it because it will never be given to me and there will never be a better time for it than right now.
This year has been the most crazy and stressful year of my life thus far. We went through a huge merge at work as well as building a new building and moving the company into it.
Carl has been pretty sick a couple times and there have been a lot of changes with the kids. Life has been pretty intense.
Finding time to relax has been the most important and most difficult task this year. Actually being able to wind down enough to really calm down for awhile has also been hard for me.
This past weekend was supposed to be a chill weekend. Everything started snowballing early in the week and by the weekend things were packed full and any and all relax time was gone.
I hate to feel like I'm leaving people to do all the work. I hate to call in sick when I'm not. Unfortunately I also know that getting time off work just isn't going to happen.
I needed a day to do what I wanted to do without having to please anyone but myself. I call days like that my mental health days.
After taking a day for myself I feel so much better about things. I feel like I can handle a lot more than I could just a couple days ago. I can think better and I can do more before the stress hits me. I'm more refreshed than I've been in months.

Link | Leave a comment |

Procrastinator Extroardinaire

Nov. 20th, 2011 | 04:17 pm

I posted a couple months ago because I didn't feel the need to share my anger on Facebook. I told myself I was going to start using my LJ again as a way of coping with things and then I forgot. And got busy. To be completely honest I forgot I had posted here at all. I was reminded today that my LJ is still here feeling neglected and wanting some attention.
I'm planning on coming back here for real, not just as a coping mechanism but as a way of doing something I used to really enjoy. I know myself however and being the type to fall into old patterns it may take some time for me to actually stick to it.

Link | Leave a comment {1} |

(no subject)

Oct. 1st, 2010 | 08:56 pm

Dear week, You can go right to hell and stop fucking with me. Your attitude had better change and change quick. Grrrr

Link | Leave a comment {2} |

Best Party Ever!

May. 2nd, 2010 | 10:05 pm

Last night Carl and I went out to dinner with several of our friends. We ate at the Bayou. They specialize in Cajun food, and we thought live jazz music, apparently we were wrong about the music. The food was great. I got to try alligator cheesecake and crawfish. Love the crawfish, the alligator cheesecake was too much like a quiche for my liking.
Little did we know our friends Rick and Scott picked up the tab for the entire table. Wow. They're both really good guys.
After dinner most of us went to a club in Salt Lake called Edge. None of us had ever been there before, definitely a great choice. The drinks were mixed real smooth. I got to try a hooka, interesting. I kinda want to do that again. And there was a mostly naked guy dancing on a riser. Mmmmmm, underwear and boots, nothing else. He was hott! so of course we stuffed a few dollars into his underwear. I got to dance with and grope a couple of my straight friends who were really good sports about it.
The entire evening was a blast, lots of new experiences, fantastic conversations, great gifts, I couldn't have asked for more. I feel absolutely loved by so many people. I can't quite believe that I deserve such great friends and such a wonderful husband, I am certainly be grateful for them all.

Link | Leave a comment |

:-D So Happy!

Apr. 23rd, 2010 | 10:09 pm

My wonderful husband knows the way to my heart. Tonight he bought me a Playstation 3. I am looking forward to many hours wasted n front of the TV playing awesome games and watching blu-ray Avatar. :-) Woo Hoo!

Link | Leave a comment |

Random Memory Time

Apr. 19th, 2010 | 11:20 pm

I had the most random memory hit me today and it made me laugh. A lot.
When I was a kid, probably 6 or 7 years old, I'm not certain, My Aunt was babysitting and wanted me to take out the garbage. I didn't want to do it so she told me about the boogie man and how if I didn't take the garbage out to the road before dark the boogie man would get me.
I believed her, it didn't get me to take out the garbage right away but I still was scared of the boogie man for a little while.
I used to watch the Swamp Thing all the time and that was sort of what I imagined the boogie man looked like. This big, swamp green, weedy looking creepy thing.

I still have no idea what made me think of this today but I'm glad I did think of it.

Link | Leave a comment {2} |

Posted using TxtLJ (http://www.livejournal.com/manage/sms/)

Jan. 23rd, 2010 | 08:29 pm

Grr...sigh and blah

Link | Leave a comment |

Big Changes Are Coming

Dec. 18th, 2009 | 09:24 am

Last night I worked my last night as an official night-shift employee. As of Monday morning I will now be a day-shift person. My life as I know it is going to be changed forever. Starting with the fact that I might actually have a life during the week from now on. :-)

Link | Leave a comment |


Dec. 13th, 2009 | 12:05 am

This was not my best night. I learned a valuable lesson. No matter what stupid lid is sitting in the bottom of the dishwasher it can wait.
I reached in to grab a jar lid and sorta slipped as I did. I managed to steady myself though, by grabbing the big black hotter than hell heating bar thing in the bottom. I burned off a good bit of skin on my thumb and have a white discoloration across my hand. It burns like a bitch.
Eventful weekends really are not my style.

Link | Leave a comment {1} |

100 Movies Finished!

Sep. 21st, 2009 | 02:31 pm

Last night I finished my 100th new movie for the year. I have seen some pretty amazing movies and some really really stupid ones as well.

My absolute number 1 favorite movie of all of them was Mr. Brooks. What an excellent movie.

After Mr. Brooks here are my favorites:

Rise of the Footsoldier
The Million Dollar Baby
Cinderella Man
Gran Torino
The Jacket
Star Trek
Death at a Funeral

and here is the whole 100 movies.
The whole listCollapse )

Link | Leave a comment |

Evelyn, you will not be forgotten

Sep. 3rd, 2009 | 11:25 am

"If Love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died"

Yesterday morning I received a call that my Great Aunt Evelyn had been in the hospital since Saturday night and they would be taking her off life support. I was able to make a trip up to see her and visit with the family before it happened.

Sometime around 11:30pm Evelyn Shy passed away. She will be greatly missed.

Link | Leave a comment {2} |

(no subject)

Aug. 24th, 2009 | 05:13 am
mood: frustratedfrustrated

What a fucking morning. I can only hope that the day gets better.

Link | Leave a comment |

It took us a week but....

Jul. 10th, 2009 | 11:57 am

We finally decided on names for the hamsters. Faith and Fray.

Link | Leave a comment {1} |

Back and better than before

Jul. 8th, 2009 | 04:53 pm

Last year I grew my hair out from May to October when I cut it so I'd look good for my wedding. I got a few comments from different people that I should grow it out again. I wasn't sure myself but I did anyway.
This time I've been growing my hair out since I cut it in October. It's really getting long now.

This photo was taken yesterday afternoon.

Link | Leave a comment {6} |

Posted using TxtLJ (http://www.livejournal.com/manage/sms/)

Jul. 6th, 2009 | 12:45 pm

If all the animals were gone, man would die from a great loneliness of spirit.

Link | Leave a comment |

My new babies

Jul. 4th, 2009 | 03:20 pm

Carl and I adopted a couple of girls this week. We haven't figured out names for them yet. Hell we can't even figure out how to tell them apart yet lol.
They're very active and they're very scared of us still so it's extremely difficult to get good pictures of them. I'm hoping that as they get used to us we'll be better able to post good pictures of them. but for now here's the pictures I have.

(pictures) Most adorable kids everCollapse )

Link | Leave a comment |

Posted using TxtLJ (http://www.livejournal.com/manage/sms/)

Jun. 19th, 2009 | 03:24 am

Am i not speaking english? I thought i was but i'm not so sure anymore cuz nobody understands what i'm saying

Link | Leave a comment |

I love you guys

Jun. 18th, 2009 | 06:17 am

If there is one person or more on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

Link | Leave a comment |