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Collision Course

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Jan. 26th, 2012 | 07:15 pm

I'm looking for something different in my life but I'm not sure yet what that is. I think a part of it is quiet. I need to be able to think and I can't. I'm always around people. I have precious few moments when I can be alone. When I can be trying only to please myself instead of trying to figure out everyone else.
I think I need to start walking. Lately when I get angry I find myself leaving the apartment and choosing a direction and going. Not thinking about how far I'm going or how long I should be gone but just going until some of that anger and restlessness is out of me.
Today I walked when I wasn't angry, just for the sheer joy of enjoying the rain. The peace and well being I got out of it were wonderful.
Sadly they didn't last long, that destructive force got the best of me. I feel it a lot these days and I haven't figured out how to shake it loose. I find myself fighting over stupid things and not being able to start making amends when I want to.
I try to keep it to myself and deal with it. That never works. I try to talk it out and that seems to make things just as bad if not worse.
I used to be able to cope with things so much easier. I guess this is just another point in my life where I have to force myself to stop seeing things the way I do and figure out another way to see them.
I should start writing more regularly again. That was always a good way for me to let things out. And to figure things out.
Already I'm seeing things more clearly than I did a few minutes ago.
I want so much to just have some lasting peace. Not to control this anger but to be rid of it. Not for a minute or a day or a week. Forever. It leaves me feeling empty when it's gone. It infects so much of who I am. I am changed.

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from: sicesuqyh
date: Jul. 23rd, 2012 05:22 am (UTC)


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